Stop freaking out… and please don’t poop in here.

I have a new pet. It’s our old family cat Maimer whose habit of terrorizing my parents’ other cat and leaving angry vengeful turds everywhere almost got her euthanized but somehow landed her in the lap of luxury at my mini mansion instead. It is because I am weak.

And I am running my dishwasher tonight for the first time since her arrival a few days ago. So as I slipped under the covers these are the words I just found myself saying to the cat staring wild-eyed at the bedroom door and gripping the foot of my bed like one would the steering wheel of a car going over a cliff: “Mei-mei, stop freaking out… and please don’t poop in here.”

Cats are dumb. And they are pitiless pooping machines. If you cross them, they will get you back with their poop. End of story.

holiday weekend forecast

I get it, Mother Nature. You think you’re pretty funny. We thought we might get to wander blearily outside for the first time this year and blink our winter-worn, workaday eyes in the brilliant sunshine of three balmy springtime days free from artificial light and stale recycled air. But you had other plans. Ok. That’s cool.

Hey, Mother Nature. You know this glass bottle I’m drinking out of? You probably thought I was going to recycle it. But now I think I’m going to just shove it up your landfill instead. See, when you try to be a funny guy, everybody loses. NICE GOING, MOTHER NATURE.

 

and also i shouldn’t talk to coworkers about Hot Lunch

There’s a reason I defriended him on Facebook. I don’t want to know about the new girlfriend who has the same name as me. (Whoops one coworker let that slip a few months ago.) I also don’t want to see the photos of them together… on an exotic vacation. (Whoops I got to hear about that tonight.)

So here is what happens when you combine large quantities of wine, self-pity, jilted rage and Adobe Illustrator.

Hot Lunch, this is for you. I hate you so much. And also I calculate you owe me about $1,074.88 for the movies, the dinners out and that plane ticket, you cheap-ass bastard. Enjoy.

i shouldn’t meet people i admire because it doesn’t turn out well

A few weeks ago, I got to see one of my favorite groups live: Electric Six. Afterwards, my friends managed to get Dick Valentine to take a picture with us. I got to be the one with my arm around Dick Valentine! He was really sweaty and I think tired because in the first picture his eyes were wonky and half closed. Our picture-taking friend gave him shit about his wonky eye so the next picture came out with him looking extremely astonished. This was either his attempt to have open eyes or his reaction to me stroking his back while we posed. I was just savoring the moment. And I was too tongue-tied to even offer a simple, “Great show, thanks,” in exchange. Now in Dick Valentine’s world I am forever the ungrateful creepy silent back-rubber.

Tonight I got to see Starfucker, which really is amazing music to experience live. It completely surrounds you and fills up your senses. I think the show was a bit frustrating for the group due to some sound issues, and so when I came face to face with a sweaty, tired, but still smiling Ryan Biornstad over the merch table, again a nice, “Great show, thanks so much,” would have been well placed. Instead I stared. Gripping handfuls of cash. Here’s the conversation that finally got going:

Ryan: (after a pause) “Hi, how are you?”
Me: “Good, thanks!…(pause) You?”
Ryan: “Good.”
Me: (long pause) “Can I have the large of the cat one, please?”

My coworker (who is the super serious Starfucker fan and the one who told me about the show and maybe later regretted telling me about the show) stepped up and offered a gracious thank you while the ungrateful creepy staring money-clutcher paid for her shirt. And stared some more.

Proximity to greatness should inspire us and give us something to aim for. But instead I get paralysis of the brain and revert to my primal cavewoman ancestry.

But at least I have a sweet-ass cat shirt. And I gave Dick Valentine a back rub.

little update, big pie

I am baking pie, doing this awesome craft, and listening to Starfucker, getting excited for their concert at the Neurolux tomorrow night.

I found the pie in my freezer when I got home from work tonight. I think it’s the last whole food left in my kitchen. Once the pie is gone, it’s just raisins and peanut butter until payday. Celery is cheap. I’ll get celery and make ants on a log.

The pie is from when the Spoons were staying at my place last December. I ate their ice cream last night.

And I am using the best picture ever of the Black Keys for my craft. Stay tuned to see how it turns out!

It’s starting to smell really good in here! Thank you, Spoons, for delicious abandoned pie.

2010 in review

WordPress: making undeserved public gloating easier than ever! I got all this information in an email with a big LAZY BUTTON that magically turns it into a post… perfectly designed for bloggers like me who have succumbed to laziness and want to relive the glory days when they actually wrote shit.

But stay tuned… holiday antics have been going down. Oh yes.

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The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

I draw a lot. I did not draw this. This is Hyperbole and a Half. Why is this my featured image, WordPress?

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,500 times in 2010. That’s about 6 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 117 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 236 posts. There were 92 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 8mb. That’s about 2 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was August 3rd with 47 views. The most popular post that day was tear😥.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were healthfitnesstherapy.com, en.wordpress.com, WordPress Dashboard, alhome-finance-guide.com, and statistics.bestproceed.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for “claudia bering”, “shit my pants”, funny sexual referances, funny stuff pictures of animals, and kevin spacey.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

tear😥 August 2010
2 comments

2

people with orange tvs, this one’s for you June 2010
1 comment

3

about me April 2010
4 comments

4

big spoon little spoon July 2010
6 comments

5

Not that kind of hump day April 2010

life is like a box of SOMETHING



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