Archive for August, 2006

sometimes you just feel like this

my true love is a man
who never existed at all.
oh he was a beautiful fiction
I invented to keep out the cold.
but now, my blue blue caravan,
I can feel my heart growing old.

–"Blue Caravan" Vienna Teng

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good thing i took that photo yesterday

because today, i have a huge ginormous zit renting space on that prominently featured left cheek.  that's right.  happy birthday to ME.

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the makeover IS never over, doubletrue!

the stache is gone.  that's right, people, i'm discussing UNWANTED FACIAL HAIR with the WHOLE WORLD.  but, as a friend of mine once sagely said, "everyone needs hair removal."  so i forge on.  friends who know me might have noticed my growing obsession with my (albeit blonde) misstache.  the obsession was growing because the stache was, i swear.  after contemplating lasers, wax and maybe calling in some professionals, i just went old school on the stache's ass with a pair of tweezers yesterday.

of course, i could have chosen a better time to do it than during my morning routine.  YOU just try eating lunch at Friday's, surrounded by loved ones who are telling you bald-faced (no pun intended) lies about "looking fine" while you can feel the swelling impairing your speech.

but now that the inflammation has gone down, my lips are as soft and smooth as a baby's butt.  just kiss me and see!  but then you'll have to kiss a baby's butt.

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finally i explain the point of this blog

everybody loves a makeover, right??  well, that's what everything is edible is ALL ABOUT!!  only, instead of taking only one hour including commercials, MY makeover has taken almost THIRTY YEARS!  sadly, 99% of it has been just in the last year.  but with my 31st birthday coming up on monday, i am celebrating with a retrospective, called:

how i stopped being a neurotic hermit

and started being a socially inept work-in-progress

so i used to be afraid of everything.  to see what my life used to be like, read this book:

or watch this show:

yeah, that was me.

actually, THIS was me:


okay, so i tried to come out of my shell during college, but it really didn't take.  i made earnest attempts to meet strange people, engage in stressful activities and pose awkwardly for group photos.  like so:


and so:

as you can see, i'd begun to adopt socially accepted values like hygeine and posture and fashion not involving pictures of animals.  but i'm still not quite with it.  if you zoom in, you'll notice i'm wearing a look that says, "what am i doing here?" or maybe, "who are these people i'm with [not pictured]?"

anyways, long story short, some of the strange people i met turned out to be very insistent and MADE me do things like stay out after dark, eat dairy products, say no, accept their help, accept their compliments, D&D, midnight JBX runs, homestarrunner, all your base, discuss philosophy, read manga, draw better, swear more, improv badly, improv less badly, not care that i was improv-ing badly, be outnumbered by males, be myself, flirt, crack jokes, crack bad jokes, think in the gutter, math, have an opinion, be a redhead, blog, podcast, move out, care, dance at a wedding and drive to Tucson.

at the same time, they remained patient through all my wimping out, backing out, cancellations, excuses, tardiness, hand-washing, panicking, faking, no-shows, embarrassing public vomiting (just once), shy silences, incessant babbling, apologies, rants, breakdowns, B.O., wigging out, tears, epiphanies, resolutions, failures, broken promises, lost credit cards, incomplete drawings, abandoned webcomics and keeping borrowed books and cds too long.  in short, i'd never really been a friend before.  they let me practice on them.

that was last year in a nutshell.  i've changed so much.  the world around me is no longer fear, but food.  every situation can be digested and turned into new facets of my identity, not to mention bloggable satire and poop jokes.  everything is edible.  …except poop.  don't eat poop.

anyways, i'd show you a picture of myself at thirty, but i wasn't taking pictures then.  i didn't really like myself.  but here's me a year later (like a few minutes ago):


thanks, guys.

not that i'm not still a social retard.  i am.  but no more than you and the rest of the world.  where would be the humor in being perfect?

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i just wanted to move that last post down

i was sick of looking at it.  i'm sure i wasn't the only one.

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and now are you ready for an… HSB FRUSTRATION UPDATE!!!

this is how i worked for a year.  using the end of a table instead of a desk, fighting for space with a Nestle ice cream freezer and a behemoth of a DVD vending machine (that blue "wall" behind my chair), shooing patrons and children away from my computer when they thought it was a public station, and constantly answering the question, "Do you work here?"  i ask you.  when was the last time you had to walk up to the library's circulation desk and ask, "Do you work here?"  some professional image we're projecting here at the hidden springs branch.

which brings us to: my new desk situation at hidden springs.  as in, i finally got one.  about a year after i asked (repeatedly) for it back.  only, setting it up, none of the computer cords reach properly, they trip me when i get up and sit down or roll my chair–wait, no i CANT roll my chair because some GENIUS had our maintenance guy REMOVE THE WHEELS because she "didn't want kids rolling around on it" while i was gone.  if people would INFORM themselves, they'd know that in the old days of HSB, i had not only an ACTUAL DESK, but a REAL COMPUTER that i actually LEFT OUT HERE in a LOCKED CABINET and yes, yes, i had a fucking CHAIR WITH WHEELS!

*pant pant*  sorry.  i'm just so sick of people acting scandalized when i ask for things that used to be commonplace out here only a year or so ago.  "WHAT?!? you dont want to lug your laptop and all its paraphernalia back and forth between libraries every week?  you dare leave it in a locked cabinet at the branch library?!?  i'm not sure if we can approve that!"  "WHAT!?!  that chair that was designed to ROLL, you want it to actually HAVE WHEELS?  you'd rather not scrape around on five wheel-less stumps while the broken-down seat leans forward like it's trying to pitch you out and the staples-and-cardboard-reupholstered back support flails wildly, beating you on the back and rattling so loudly you draw furtive looks from patrons who are supposed to respect you after a sight like that???  what's wrong with you??  huh?  huh?!?!"

*grumble grumple brrumbe*  (<—those are actual typos that i left in.  i'm REALLY dired)

coming soon: the hsb death drive–100 miles in two days.  can you say hella mileage reimbursement?

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i’ve been in this car too long

i found a use for the chip in my windshield.  the truck in front of me has a bumper sticker of a chihuahua and, if i close one eye and unfocus enough, i can line up that little dark crescent-shaped blur so it looks like a bad piece on the pooch's head.  rest assured, i made this discovery sitting at a stoplight, not while driving.  though, if anything were to persuade me to drive with one eye shut and the other crossed, it would be a miniature dog in a toup.

we wont even talk about the denture-wearing squirrel who taught me to steer with my feet so i can blog this right now.

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