Archive for April, 2007

goodbye, cool world

just spent my last night at our old house, where the lease runs out at midnight on monday.  today sis and i are moving to the new place, where our do-it-yourselfing has fallen a bit behind.  hence, internet is only one of a plethora of things i will have to do without indefinitely.  here's the whole list.  imagine 1950's game show music as you read.

  • internet
  • cable tv
  • a washer or dryer
  • a microwave oven
  • a garage door opener
  • completely painted walls
  • baseboard moldings
  • a bathroom sink
  • mattresses
  • a living room floor
  • a refrigerator

that's right, friends, i'm goin on a camping trip.  at least we've got brand new carpets to sleep on.

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clumsily, awkwardly, scarily on the prowl

Pants can commiserate: young, eligible men are rare where i work.  so when i'm helping a patron and i come around a corner to the computer banks and catch a pair of beautiful brown eyes gazing furtively at me from under the brim of a ball cap, i do a double take.  no luck.  guy's back to staring at his computer terminal.  ah well.

ten minutes later, i'm chatting with coworkers and out of the corner of my eye catch a figure walking past the desk.  i look up in time to see those gorgeous eyes dart away from me again!  guy ducks into the restrooms.  thats it.  my ears are ringing with my male friends' words "show interest!  guys wont put themselves out there unless you show interest!"  i decide i'm gonna catch him with my biggest smile when he comes out.  i know.  some chick grinning fiercely at you upon emerging from the john, like that's gonna attract.  nevermind.  dont question me, i'm showing INTEREST.

well, he doesnt even look my way when he comes out (frowny face) UNTIL he reaches the door (smiley face) at which point he turns that gorgeous gaze over his shoulder and stares at me ALL THE WAY OUT THE DOUBLE SET OF DOORS.

great.  thanks.  what i WANTED was a DATE, dude.  disappointed, i conclude he wasnt interested enough, wasnt confident enough or wasnt AVAILABLE enough, in which case he shoulda kept his committed eyes in his head.

but what i say out loud, and what hannah hears and makes me blog is, "come back, mr. big beautiful roving eyes, come back!!"

it brings me back to something said to me on a blind date (which concluded with the admission of both parties that we had nothing in common, sealed with one hot kiss).  the guy said i could be getting out a whole lot more.  as he put it, "guys have gotta be asking you out!"

well, for your information mr. hot lips, guys ARENT asking me out.  they're either glancing at me furtively from a distance, or avoiding eye contact when i smile at them or, rarely, approaching me with small talk punctuated by long silences when they just smile at me and say. nothing.

am i scary??  do i smell??  am i not showing enough INTEREST??

in any case, i have a new theory about guys.  it's not original, but it does have a twist.  guys are teddy bears: made to look like something strong and scary, but all soft and squishy on the inside.

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let me see ur pokemans

got it, dylan?  that's what i'll be saying every time i see you, before i'll condescend to associate with you.  hand over the cartridge, then we'll talk.  this'll totally be me.

except way more threatening.  way.

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it’s a fine line

ran an errand for L at work.  she IMs me.

L says:
ha!  Thanks for being my b… I mean, my buddy who gets things for me!

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ga… loshes

hilarious phonetic fun!  thanks, Nate.  anyone know anything about the original skit?  google and youtube are giving me results like the vestibules and dr demento, neither of which ring any bells for me.

oh yeah.  bal-UUUUUUGA.

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rhymes with underpants


like grifflet, i have yet to discover my next big craze, but tonight i got the opportunity to revisit an old one.  bear with me, i'm about to get serious.  and that means Methodical Capitalization.

I owe my love for Gilbert and Sullivan to pneumonia.  I spent so many weeks as a kid bedridden, surrounded by stacks of books and constantly playing Gilbert and Sullivan tapes (yes, TAPES) in a loop, that as soon as I hear the Pirates of Penzance overture begin, I can smell the Vicks, taste the cough syrup and feel the somnolence.

Now, I know G&S take a lot of flack for not being "serious opera" or for being trite, cliche, overdone, or perkily annoying (you shoulda seen lamassu's expression today when I could only stop singing "I am the very model of a modern major general" by substituting "With cat-like tread"–what can I say, I was excited for tonight).  But what does it matter to me what G&S is to others?  For 11-year-old Ernie, straining to belt out arias with her pre-pubescent voice, the operettas of Gilbert and Sullivan were a world populated with simple people whose problems, though ridiculous, caused them great dramatic distress which I could safely enjoy along with their rapturous resolutions.  Bouyed up by Gilbert's humor, an audience is continually taken by suprise by the ethereal poignance of Sullivan's score, letting us feel the full serious impact of lyrics like, "He loves thee… he is gone."

And it was interesting to see how the Pirates of the Caribbean craze has taken its toll on the old classic.  This time around, every last orphan member of the crew was sporting Depp dreds and random bangles from his bandana.  Nevertheless, this was the most entertaining Performance of Penzance i have ever seen.  without resorting to lackluster attempts to spice up a familiar show with modernized jokes in the lyrics, Britain's Oldest Opera Company put new life into the performance with wonderfully Monty Pythonesque details like pirate puppet shows and Victorian bathers doing the backstroke chased by miniature ships.  I'd explain better, but this post is long enough.  Point is, it worked: even the large number of Depp fan-kids were captivated.

oh yeah.  and Samuel (bald guy on the left) was HAWT.  which was a novelty for that character.

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so continues my quest for a deoderant that doesnt burn or make me smell like poo

well, none have actually made me smell like poo.  just sweaty pits.  or unappealing fragrances.  but one did burn.  ooooh the burning!!  me in the morning, dutifully engaged in hygeine of the pits suddenly sounds just like invader zim in the disguise machine: "AAAAAAUGH!!!!   WHY DOES IT HUUUUUURT?!??!?!?"

so far, i've ruled out the following as viable brands:
Herbal Clear Natural Deoderant
Mitchum for Women (sorry, Pants, total poo)
Tom's of Maine Lavender (it burns!  IT BURNS!!!)
Adidas 24 hr. Control  (whose idea was THAT??)

i have them all in front of me right now.  all half-used and thrown back in the drawer.  on to the next!

suggestions, ladies??  please!!!  (but no Secret.  takes me right back to high school.  yeurgh.)

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