Archive for April, 2010

One for the books, or My record-breaking romantic kiss

I’m starting to think about getting into dating again (accepted my first date yesterday and started planning my outfit tonight with Pants and Cupcake!) and so i thought this the perfect opportunity to remind myself of how nicely even my least successful date can end:

this is my brief, memorable encounter with the guy we all now call “Parking Lot Jason” because he saved his best (ie only good) moves for the parking lot where we said goodnight. this was years ago, right after i’d broken up with the boyfriend who had given me my first kiss. i was innocent and my journal entry a little cheesy romance-style. forgive me. here it is:

We hadn’t hit it off, so he walked me to my car. Took my hand.

“I’d kiss you,” he said, “but I don’t want to be your second kiss…” Hesitation. “Unless you want me to…”

I laughed and thanked him and said goodnight. Goodnight. We turned away. I took a step, then heard his voice behind me.

“You know, you only live once.”

I turned toward him again, found his arms around me.

“So I’m going to kiss you…” Our faces were close. “…if that’s okay.” His lips pressed gently against mine, warm and soft yet strong. “And you decide,” he murmured. Another kiss. “When to stop.”

I closed my eyes and gave myself over to the kiss, tasting our mint breath and the lingering musk of his beer as his lips worked gently, slowly with mine. My hands came to rest on his shoulder and the back of his neck, pulling us closer as the kiss opened and deepened, his tongue pressing softly against mine as our excitement grew.

At last, my teeth found the fullness of his lower lip and gave a gentle, lingering bite before I bowed my head, breaking contact. He kissed my lips one last time. Stepped back, squeezed my hand.

“Goodnight, Tink.”

from the bottom of my basal ganglia, hello and #@!%*$!

recently, i had the opportunity to talk to precisely 232 people on behalf of their local library. what made this exhausting was that i talked to them in groups of 2 or 3 over the course of 6 hours. unfortunately it was precisely that day that i decided to get struck with a case of the awkwards. every interaction became a chance to stammer, mix up my words and completely forget important pieces of information they needed.

like when i told one nice man i could show him how to neuter. i meant renew. as in extend the due date of his books, not remove their testicles. the two words aren’t really even close. why my brain was wandering even in the VICINITY of castration during that conversation is unexplainable. it can’t be explained. we simply had to move on.

By the end of the day, i was so paranoid about my subconscious sabotaging me that every time i greeted a new group, half a dozen of the WORST POSSIBLE THINGS i could say at that moment would immediately crowd my brain. everything from colorful sexual colloquialisms to really offensive racial slurs. is it possible to have tourette’s of the brain? silent tourette’s? is that a thing? do i have something serious i need to see someone about?

it was like that invisible force that tugs at you when you’re standing at the edge of any steep drop looking down. like something in you hates the fear of it happening so badly that it would rather get it over with. it was that same dickish part of my brain that was trying to trip me up with fart jokes when i greeted the next couple with a clear and flawless, “Hi! My name is Tink. I’m from the library!”

YES! take THAT, amygdala you fucker!

“Nice to meet you,” says the woman.

“Thank you,” i say.

#@!%*$!

Let’s just move on.

(P.S. for this post, i googled brain structures until my Wernicke got tired.)

she finally did go. (in case you were concerned.)

hung out with Hot Lunch for the first time tonight. but the most important detail was hearing that when he took his kids to the circus the day before i went, they actually walked around the ring during intermission and TALKED TO LEO.

do you know what i was doing during intermission? carrying niece one bodily back from the restrooms and ignoring her pleas to go on the “bouncy” thing because i still needed to take niece two on her potty run.

i could have been brushing elbows with a comedic celebrity of sorts, but instead i was helping a 3 year old perch on a public toilet seat, listening for tinkling that wouldn’t come, asking, “do you need to go? you don’t need to go?” and getting nothing but enthusiastic nodding and smiling in response to both questions.

Magritte, table for two

this morning, i am making the Long Walk from Distant Inconvenient Parking to work – the Walk upon which no fewer than 2 (dos) employees have already been struck by cars in the last year. i begin the perilous Street Crossing and realize a car is coming and about to make the turn onto the Street i am Crossing. i step back onto the sidewalk.

but the car is slowing to a halt. spy-movie style, the window rolls down. who else do i find myself face to face with but Hot Lunch, with Identical Twin at the wheel.

this is a surprise a) because it is random to run into anyone you know like that 2) because i haven’t seen Hot Lunch since our breakup almost a month ago (except for a brief awkward chat at the library last week) and MOST IMPORTANTLY iii) because to the best of my knowledge the two of them have been drunk in Twin Falls for the last three days.

after receiving a text at 1 am last night that read: “Goofdnigtht ud.I’mbhAngikb g with my durmnk ass cousins . oodnight byd.;)” the last thing i expected to find them doing at 10 am this morning was getting all up in my Long Walk while driving a green hybrid.

“uh. how are you feeling?” i ask. “hung over?”

Hot Lunch, unshaven and wearing the glasses he hates, squints at me from where he’s kind of crumpled into the crook made by the passenger’s seat and the door. “He’s hung over,” he says. “I’m still drunk.”

I get a muddled description of their uncle’s wake and understand very little beyond Hot Lunch almost making out with his old high school buddy, who i know has little going for him these days beyond the skullet and the WoW obsession.

then Hot Lunch starts rummaging in some paper bags at his feet, exclaiming, “DO YOU WANT CANDY?? I HAVE CANDY!!”  at last he produces a truffle. handing it out the window, he places it in my palm as delicately as if it were an egg. he says simply:

“You should eat that. It has peanut butter in it.”

thank you, fate. when it comes to running into exes, i’ll take surreal over awkward any day.

except bifocals won’t fix crazy

actual conversation in the staff lounge today:

Mrs. H: Who’s that in the picture?
Mrs. T: Mike and his daughter.
Mrs. H: And you?
Mrs. T: … That’s Mike.
Mrs. H: With the long hair?
Mrs. T: … Aaand the beard.

nieces at the circus, what fun!

Two Nieces’ Tickets to the Circus… What Fun!

= ABSOLUTELY FREE!!

adult tickets online with discount code

= $20 x 2 ($40)

adult tickets online with discount code = $20 x 2 ($40)
adult tickets online when discount code doesn’t seem to work

= $22 x 2 ($44)

adult tickets online when discount code doesn’t seem to work = $22 x 2 ($44)
adult tickets online when discount code doesn’t work and with mysterious convenience fee

= $22 x2 + 7 ($51)

adult tickets online when discount code doesn’t work and with mysterious convenience fee = $22 x2 + 7 ($51)
adult tickets at the window, no discount

= $22 x 2 ($44)

adult tickets at the window, no discount = $22 x 2 ($44)
adult tickets at the window are apparently randomly more

= $24 x 2 ($48)

(we are in the door)

omigod i have to ride that pony

= $5

omigod i want to ride the elephant too

= $8

you’re not going to make me ride the elephant ALONE??!?

= $8

I WANT COTTON CANDY WHY DON’T I HAVE COTTON CANDY I NEVER GET ANYTHING I WISH I HAD COTTON CANDY RIGHT NOW WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN I WANT COTTON

= $4

two large hot dogs, two large pepsis

= i don’t want to know, nonny bought them.

I WANT TO RIDE THE ELEPHANT AGAIN I WANT TO RIDE THAT PONY WITH SISSY WHY CANT I RIDE WITH SISSY I NEVER DO ANYTHING FUN

= no. ($0)

I WANT TO GO ON THE BOUNCY THING IT DOESNT COST ANYTHING THAT GIRL IS ON IT WHY CAN’T I GO ON IT

= watch the circus and say thank you. ($0)

nieces laughing so delightedly at Leo the clown’s antics that he noticed them out of the crowd

= priceless.

WHY IS THE CIRCUS OVER WHERE DID LEO GO WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO I WANT A BALLOON I WANT THIS BALLOON (let go of that it’s not yours) WHY CAN’T I GET JUST ONE BALLOON WHY DON’T YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY ARE YOU POOR NOW

= yes. i AM poor now, thanks for asking. ($0)

random four-year-old girl taps niece on shoulder and gives her her balloon

= priceless.

WHY DIDN’T I GET A BALLOON SHE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN US TWO BALLOONS GIVE ME THAT BALLOON I DIDN’T GET ONE YOU HAVE TO SHARE

= sigh.

giggling all the way home about Leo going “ooh!” when he got shot with a dart in his BOH-TOHM

= decreasingly funny, but undeniably cute.

two beers at home, no dinner

= $2.60

tubal ligation

= Googling now.

we’ve all been there. maybe not THERE there, but thereabouts.

alright. if i am to believe my fruitless Google searching, it never happened. but i remember an interview with Janeane Garofalo a long time ago when she was talking about hitting bottom. none of the typical celebrity talk about arrests, rehab or public embarrassment. just a story about watching tv at home and eating blue corn chips alone in the dark.

imagine: in the light of the tv, Janeane sees a chip shape lying on the floor next to her feet. she picks it up, pops it into her mouth and instantly realizes that she has mistaken a chunk of mud off her shoe for food. this is a moment that forces one to take stock.

i don’t know why, Reader, but this is the funniest story i’ve ever heard. FUNNIEST. STORY. EVER. TOLD. i have been seized by uncontrollable giggles every time this story has sprung to mind… when paying for pizza, in line at the pharmacy, or listening to a loved one’s bad day.

and i’m going to wax cheeseriffic writer-pants and say that i absolutely believe there are some stories that SAVE LIVES. because any time i am sit-alone-in-the-dark depressed, i suddenly feel like Janeane Garofalo eating blue corn chips. and i laugh out loud every time.