that’s what i get for trying alcoholism

i have stress stomach. i don’t mention it to get pity from you, Reader. i’m not like that friend who says, “Reader, i have stress stomach,” so you’ll go easy on me when we have arguments. i only mention it because once I explain to you that I’ve had matzo crackers and wine for dinner every night for a while, it makes me seem like less of a lush.

i’m feeling sensitive about it because i’m on my second bottle of wine this week and i’ve never so much as finished ONE bottle of wine by myself before. but red wine feels so good on my stress stomach. it’s MEDICINAL, Reader.

i’m also sensitive because i may have lost the use of my left forefinger in trying to open this second bottle of wine. which feels like the universe telling me something. (like when i was staying at cupcake’s house and i thought i could sneak to the bathroom in only a (short) t-shirt and nothing else but what my momma gave me coming into the world and i totally ate it getting out of bed (her bed is on a ledge) and fell over her couch where she was sleeping and across her living room, landing ladybits-up. To which Cupcake said: “It’s the universe telling you to PUT ON SOME PANTS!”)

But yes. My finger. you’re supposed to open wine surrounded by friends in a gay occasion. and the Pants was even next door, waiting for me to come over. (but not for a gay occasion, as much as she and i like to joke.) she had even texted me, “are you coming over?” but i hadn’t noticed because i was too busy SHAMEFULLY opening my bottle of wine ALONE. alone, which is when ACCIDENTS happen. the corkscrew slipped and pinched my finger against the bottle and now, even as i type this, feeling has still not returned. ah but i’ve already polished off my first glass and matzo. so everything’s ok, thanks for asking, Reader. you’re the best.

maybe it’s my stress stomach that made me argue today at work that, despite being food-related, the word CHEW is possibly the grossest word i know. (except for maybe CAMEL TOE, but that’s two words, so.) coworker lady said, “what about masticate.” i replied, “no, that just sounds like more fun than it actually is.”

BAM! and finally i made it sexual. POST DONE.


2 Responses to “that’s what i get for trying alcoholism”

  1. 1 Ryan Gill April 9, 2010 at 10:51 am

    I commend you for your attempt at alcoholism. It is not an ism for the faint of heart. I tried it for a while . . . but it didn’t take. My liquid of choice was whiskey. Sometimes it was scotch, sometimes an Irish blend, and, on the really bad nights, bourbon – the brownest of the brown liquors. But one night, in a tussle with my own sanity, I lost my marbs and the next morning I gave up the creature. It had to be done. Now I just enjoy fine wines and beers (both of which I find go very well with Cupcake, by the way).

    As for the grossest word I know . . . I’m gonna go with VEINY.

    Conversely, my new favorite word? LADYBITS!

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