I stand alone. And it’s actually kinda neat.

I am realizing for the first time how lonely heartbreak is. No one can help me. Friends can be nice to me, listen to me and give feedback, distract me, get me drunk. But none of these are solutions, they’re just creating a supportive environment in which for me to wrestle the monster alone.

Only I can fight the war in my head. I’m the one who has to choose to fight and choose whether today is a day I win it all over again or if it’s a day I let it take me under. I’m the only one there in the quiet moments deciding what to do with myself when everyone else is doing their thing and none of my usual things seem to hold any appeal for me anymore. I’m the one who has to get out of bed. Every morning. For another day I didn’t want or ask for.

The moments of sheer terror have been when I’m completely paralyzed by grief. Engulfed, immobile, and I’ve been sitting or lying that way for hours. And I realize I’m waiting for something to happen–something for me to react to, something to break that spell and start me in forward motion again.

And I realize that something can only be me. No one is coming to pull me out of it. Nothing is going to magically change in my head and make it easy. I have to just do it. Take that first step, get out of bed, just start going through the motions of life until actual life comes back into the motions.

It feels… colossally alone. But it feels increasingly strong. There are few moments so hard you can feel yourself grow up as you push through them, face them, take them on, do them and stop taking the easy way around them or letting them turn you back from your (better) future.

They’re the things no one can do for you, or even with you. Being an adult feels achingly lonely, but just for that moment. Because on the other side of that moment, as a reward for those who get there, being alone is suddenly not so bad. It’s stronger. Reliable. And finally free of fear. Fear of that particular hurdle, anyway.

I am stronger than the fear.

And the better I am alone, the better we are together, be it family, friends or lovers.


2 Responses to “I stand alone. And it’s actually kinda neat.”

  1. 1 Pants April 23, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    Tink, this is profound and beautiful and indeed deep stuff. You put to words so eloquently some of the thoughts that have been rattling around in my mind lately. What you’ve written is powerfully true and I know I’ll be coming back to look over this post again in the future.

    • 2 sexualreference April 24, 2010 at 8:33 pm

      wow! thanks, Pants! i will need to remind myself of it in the future too, especially on days when i’d rather sulk or throw a tantrum than grow up. like today! also maybe sometimes we need to remember to take a break from the fight and distract ourselves. some poo jokes, anyone?

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