we’ve all been there. maybe not THERE there, but thereabouts.

alright. if i am to believe my fruitless Google searching, it never happened. but i remember an interview with Janeane Garofalo a long time ago when she was talking about hitting bottom. none of the typical celebrity talk about arrests, rehab or public embarrassment. just a story about watching tv at home and eating blue corn chips alone in the dark.

imagine: in the light of the tv, Janeane sees a chip shape lying on the floor next to her feet. she picks it up, pops it into her mouth and instantly realizes that she has mistaken a chunk of mud off her shoe for food. this is a moment that forces one to take stock.

i don’t know why, Reader, but this is the funniest story i’ve ever heard. FUNNIEST. STORY. EVER. TOLD. i have been seized by uncontrollable giggles every time this story has sprung to mind… when paying for pizza, in line at the pharmacy, or listening to a loved one’s bad day.

and i’m going to wax cheeseriffic writer-pants and say that i absolutely believe there are some stories that SAVE LIVES. because any time i am sit-alone-in-the-dark depressed, i suddenly feel like Janeane Garofalo eating blue corn chips. and i laugh out loud every time.

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3 Responses to “we’ve all been there. maybe not THERE there, but thereabouts.”


  1. 1 Jungle Cat April 26, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    This past weekend, I took my two adorable kids to an outdoor art festival. We decided to get a snack so I purchased an elephant ear for them. You know what I’m talking about – those sugary, deep-fried dough slabs that are, well, the size of an elephant’s ear (a very small elephant anyway). The fine young man who sold us said ear was wearing a shirt that said “Things That Make My Dick Hard.” Items on the list included, “boobs,” “my hand,” and “your daughter.”

    This story probably won’t save any lives (it’s not even all that funny), but the part that I keep thinking about is what was that guy thinking when he got dressed? So, of all the stained and worn out t-shirts I assume he owns, he rolled outta bed, had a beer, and decided that his “Things That Make My Dick Hard” shirt was the best one to wear while selling delicious treats to families and children? Really?! What? Was “FBI: Female Body Inspector” in the laundry?

    Despite my own “Janeane Garofalo” moments of late, I realized that at least I wasn’t wearing a shirt with the words “boobs” and “dick” on it while selling candified bread out of a snack-truck.

    Of course, later I also realized that perhaps this was just another “hitting bottom” moment for me. I mean, after all, I had just purchased a giant sugar bomb from the “dick hard t-shirt guy” and, not only ate it, but fed it to my children. Sigh. Father of the year, I am not. But, hey, at least I didn’t order the foot long corn dog! I have not sunk that low . . . yet.

    • 2 sexualreference April 26, 2010 at 10:32 pm

      that IS a classy shirt. not only was it trashy and inappropriate for the surroundings, but also boringly predictable. i would have been more interested had the list included “foot long corn dogs.”

      but i guess that wouldn’t fly, considering his mom probably does the laundry and he has to demonstrate his hetero machismo with statement tees since she keeps pointing out that he never brings any girls home.

      thanks for sharing an awesome story, JC, and so pithily. (not to mention sexily.) when will you be STEPPING UP and starting a blog, mr writer-pants?

  2. 3 Jungle Cat April 27, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    I think I’d be more interested in starting a blog if I didn’t have to use the word “blog” all the time. I’ll consider it – but only if I can refer to it as a “web-based diary of random thoughts and happenings.” Yeah, that sounds WAY better.


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