hang on, little tomato

on Monday, my sister’s house is shortselling or foreclosing. one or the other. we don’t know which. we just know everything has to be moved out by this weekend.

this means that Cupcake and the Pants spent the evening with me in my sister’s garage, sorting through box after box of ALL MY OLD CRAP i left behind when i moved into my apartment in February. after the wine spritzers were poured and we had exhausted all our box jokes, then the hard work started.

you don’t understand. i was a hoarder up until just a few years ago. my former self held onto almost every possession, every paper since i could walk. luckily, i’ve already worked my way up through high school on my own and thrown most of that away. tonight’s features were random selections of college papers, books i never read anymore, and EVERY COLLEGE TEXT I EVER OWNED. the Goodwill is getting some heavy ass boxes come Monday.

time for the HALL OF FAME!

  • coolest find: a huge chunk of amethyst
  • hardest find: a bag of my first boyfriend’s old crap
  • strangest find: a long blond ponytail, severed and rubber-banded together

in the end we achieved a lot… probably half of a lifetime of accumulated shit dispatched in only two hours. two more hours are all that stand between me and freedom from my past.

but by the end i felt like i was drowning in my past. artifacts of hard times i want to forget, artifacts of simpler times i wish i could return to…

and simply being back in my sister’s house… back breathing the atmosphere of our ruined friendship while feeling all around me the fun times we used to have together here. our favorite show we used to watch Thursday nights (tonight) was playing on the tv amid the wreckage of trash and keep piles. our old family cat, ecstatic that i had finally come back home, started weaving around my feet in her old bedtime routine as i was heading out the door to my car.

and that’s when Hot Lunch sends his customary good night text. Hot Lunch, who just called me yesterday to tell me tearfully that he loves me, but isn’t in love with me, and that it sucks that he never gets to see me anymore.

these ghosts are killing me.

but when the Pants and I trudged back home exhausted, after dropping and shattering our unopened bottle of wine in the parking lot (yes, Pants, I’m finally starting to laugh about it now!), i entered my apartment to find it warm and sweet-smelling, softly lit with music playing. this is my life now. less chaos, more chamomile.

parting with the past is particularly hard when the future is unclear. but this isn’t a bad place to spend the present. i started to tidy my already tidy apartment and get ready for bed. the song that was playing? Pink Martini’s Hang on Little Tomato.

when change is hard and not so nice,
if you listen to your heart the whole night through,
your sunny someday will come one day soon to you.


2 Responses to “hang on, little tomato”

  1. 1 Jungle Cat May 14, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Hey, tiny e. Nice post. Your Little Tomato reference instantly reminded me of the short-lived (but brilliant) band Blind Melon and their song “Change.” It’s a wonderfully poignant tune that has been on my mind lately (and I’ve conveniently included the lyrics below for you and your readers). “Blind Melons and Little Tomatoes” . . . sounds like a great title for a book.

    I don’t feel the sun’s comin’ out today
    It’s staying in, it’s gonna find another way.
    As I sit here in this misery,
    I don’t think I’ll ever, no lord, see the sun from here.

    And oh as I fade away,
    They’ll all look at me and say,
    “Hey look at him, I’ll never live that way.”
    But that’s okay, they’re just afraid to change.

    And when you feel your life ain’t worth living
    You’ve got to stand up and take a look around you
    Then a look way up to the sky.

    And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
    Keep on dreaming, ’cause when you stop dreamin’ it’s time to die.

    And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
    Some ways we’ll work and other ways we’ll play.
    But I know we can’t all stay here forever,
    So I want to write my words on the face of today
    … And then they’ll paint it

    And oh as I fade away,
    They’ll all look at me and say, they’ll say,
    “Hey look at him and where he is these days.”
    When life is hard, you have to change.

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