i am ironteam

i suppose any normal person would go on a 5-mile-walk followed by a rampage of produce and perjury through Costco and then call it a day. average people do two big things in a day and then rest on their laurels watching Justin Bieber videos. well there’s average people… and then there’s TRIATHLETES.

it just so happens that Costco Day was the same day as the IRONMAN here in town. and also the same day the weather got nice enough to swim in my new apartment’s pool for the first time. so once Cupcake and i had divvied up the fruit, i jumped in my swimsuit and met Hot Lunch and Diego for a swim. or for a ginger tiptoeing around the shallow end whimpering about the cold while Diego jumped in and out of the water yelling, “AAAAUUUGH!! SHARK! IT’S A WHITE SHARK! NOOOOOO! I WANNA LIVE!!!!” (though technically he was shouting about a THAWK. a gweat white thawk. Hot Lunch is a speech therapist at work, not at home.)

then i changed clothes in time for Cupcake to pick me up and take me to the Ironman aid station where we were volunteering that evening. we signed in, got our violent blue IRONTEAM t-shirts and stood next to a table of cups filled with liquid.

if you ever overhear distant cheering punctuated by calls of “water? water?” “gatorade!” “ice!” do not be baffled. this is the sound of the triathlon.

before we knew it, sweaty, haggard, driven people in garish lycra were running past, pointing at us and shouting “WATER!” or “ICE!” or “COKE!” or “GEL!”

this was all an education for me. what was the gel? where did the ice go?

from my hand to your crotch. i’m glad i could help out.

my ice also went down people’s shirts, into their sports bras, their hats and even their drink bottles along with Cupcake’s gatorade. also, in the future i will know to stand in FRONT of the person handing out gatorade. from behind, the hand-off looks like this.

this was my view for two solid hours.

TWO HOURS! triathlons are hard! even for the triathletes. one lady stopped in front of us to strike a classic Thinker pose. SHIT GUYS THAT WOMAN IS ABOUT TO VOMIT. no, after a moment she seemed to resolve her issue and jogged a couple more steps.  Thinker pose again. Ironteam is in suspense. nope, all is good. off down the greenbelt toward victory.

one guy jogged past us, up onto the grass and straight into the park restroom. the door stayed shut for a long time. long enough for us to ponder everything from wow, he’s having a bad time in there right now to there’s a bathroom? we could have totally changed into our t-shirts in there instead of stripping behind a van in the parking lot.

but don’t let me forget the sponges. the sponges that start out soaked in freezing water and get shoved into hot, chafing, and highly personal places. and when they come out, let me tell you triathletes just throw that shit anywhere they please. only the strongest survive Ironteam, standing on sore feet and repeatedly receiving gatorade in the face because you’re too busy dodging used-up personal sponges aimed at your head while you blindly cry, “Ice? ICE??!?”  it’s a motherfuckin’ triathlon.

understandably, two hours was all Cupcake and i were made for. after that, we stripped in a DIFFERENT parking lot to change into our GOIN’ OUT clothes because we had a concert to catch with Hot Lunch. actually as it turned out we had a AAA truck to catch, because Cupcake locked her keys in her car for the second time that day. actually as it really turned out we had some juicy beef to catch because the concert sucked and we ended up across the street inhaling burgers and microbrews with tired-looking people in lycra pants.

i walked, i swam, i stood for a long ass time. and i did it all in the same day. I AM IRONTEAM.

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