tear :'(

Tonight Hot Lunch shows up at my work looking depressed all Hyperbole style. He is so visibly depressed as to be a hyperbole himself. Hot Lunch is a walking hyperbole of sadness. Like this.

Apparently while swimming today, he felt a buzzing in his shorts. Not a good buzzing, more like an angry giant bee in his pocket. The giant bee was his smart phone, which he had absent-mindedly worn into the pool. It was FREAKING OUT, vibrating and flashing like it was in communication with advanced aliens whose benevolent message of peace was like poison code, too much for its circuits to handle.

Now he is out a couple hundred dollars, MILLIONS of important contacts and a lot of photos of Joaquin and Diego feeding ducks in the park. He is depressed. He tells me the story in a monotone. He struggles lethargically with the library’s computer catalog. He oozes up the stairs to get the books he wants. When I try to make the best of the situation, he says you’re always looking on the bright side in the same tone you would say, “You chew too loud.” When I rub it in instead (eg: “Cheer up, Phonekiller. I know! Why don’t you spend $150 on yourself? Ohhhh…”) he just says funny then hugs me limply and oozes out the door.

On the way home, I have a voice mail from Cupcake. It is approximately 45 minutes long. She is… depressed. Specifically she needs to go somewhere where no people exist. I think she means so she can’t harm anyone. I try to call her back. No answer. Oh yeah, she’d said she’d be out with an old high school frenemy. She’d sounded depressed about it.

I must be suggestible. Or PMSing. Before I know it I have pulled in at Fred Meyer and find myself buying… MARSHMALLOWS. Oh god, someone stop me. Too late. I have ice cream in my other arm. And I am stroking them both fondly on the way to the register. The marshmallows are so soft in my embrace, like a pudgy lover. I throw them down at the U-scan. I feel dangerous. I get a look from the guy at the next station. Yeah, guy, this big bad bag of marshmallows looks like it’s going into a recipe, doesn’t it? But it’s just going in my face. Hopefully with the ice cream. And beer.

Now I am drinking beer and eating marshmallows. And drawing.

Depresso friends, get thee some fluffy Kraft Jet Puffeds. It helps.


3 Responses to “tear :'(”

  1. 1 Lindsay August 3, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Tiny E! This is the bestest, funniest thing I’ve ever read. Or should I say bestest, softest and MOST DANGEROUS?!!

    If I wasn’t feeling better because of you’re kind words soothing my fractious soul phoney-phone style, this post would have been just the thing!


    • 2 sexualreference August 6, 2010 at 8:24 am

      marshmallows ARE soft and dangerous! just like me.

      i am glad that my depicting you all sad and droopy cheers you up instead of filling you with indignant rage at having your pain mocked. you are a good sport, Cupcake, and i love you right back!

  1. 1 2010 in review « Sexual Reference Trackback on January 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

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