like a virgin, typed for the very first time

Now that HP and the Geek Squad have failed me (NBC’s Chuck you are full of lies), Digerati has come through in the form of a library-owned laptop that I can check out from him while I ponder my computer purchasing options. My choices range from the quick $400 laptop from HP (only a little over $100 more than fixing my old desktop would have been) all the way to putting a $1200 MacBook Pro on a credit card and finally getting serious about my computer love.

I don’t have long to make my decision, 1) because I can’t keep a workplace computer indefinitely just to meet my Pandora and Lolcats needs and 2) because using a public computer protected by software that erases all changes upon shutdown is sure to slowly erode my sanity. I complained about this annoying detail to Digerati, whose response was simply, “Ah, that’s the best, though isn’t it? It’s like the first time, every time.”

Not helpful, Digerati, but as usual you get extra points for making it dirty.

I’ve had to re-learn all the passwords I enter online because I’m ACTUALLY entering them now. What am I, a pioneer woman? I don’t want to have to TYPE to catch up on my reader! I want my content presented to me with a mere double click. Now I’m typing a user name AND a password, each a minimum of 8 characters! That’s a collective minimum of 16 characters! And I’m doing the same for my email, Pandora, to check my bank balance… And like a pioneer woman, I AM TYPING WEB ADDRESSES!! Where oh where are my precious saved tabs?

And every time I log in somewhere, Firefox asks me if I want it to remember my password. HA, FIREFOX, THAT’S FUNNY. I don’t know, Firefox, why don’t you check with Public Amnesia Laptop first? The irony is, Firefox, that you won’t even remember me clicking the “Never ask me again for this site” button. Next time we meet in a mere few hours, I will not only have to type an assload of passwords, but also click answers to your same inane questions over and over.

Just getting online, I have to connect to my network EVERY TIME and enter my super secret secure 29-digit WEP key. TWENTY-NINE DIGITS. EVERY TIME. I have it written in pink sharpie on a sticky note that conveniently disappeared this morning. So I found myself TYPING IT FROM MEMORY. 29 digits. From memory. I’ve had this computer too long.

But the worst for YOU, Reader, is that I can’t draw pictures with Amnesia Laptop. Look at that big ugly block of text you just read! No pictures of laughing marshmallows or depressed people or even boobs. I’ve never drawn boobs for you before, Reader, but if I could I would. Too bad I don’t have a computer right now. Who loses when there’s no boobs? Everyone.

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2 Responses to “like a virgin, typed for the very first time”


  1. 1 Dylan Baker August 24, 2010 at 9:19 am

    I am seriously impressed that you can type a 29-digit WEP key from memory! I can hardly remember my phone number sometimes because continual access to technology has eroded my memory by making it irrelevant. If you forced me to become a pioneer woman (or man), I think I’d curl up into a fetal position, unable to remember any of the important digits in my life.

    I predict this will become another of your most trafficked posts and not just because it features me again (though that certainly clinches it). This post will become popular because it features both COMPUTERS and SEXY INNUENDO, two things every internet user looks for! (You don’t have to thank me; just email me all my royalties and we’re even.)

    • 2 sexualreference August 25, 2010 at 7:56 am

      Absolutely! COMPUTERS and SEXY INNUENDO is what the internet was made for! And by coincidence, as IT, those two things are your EXACT PURVIEW. I think we’ve solved the riddle of why your posts are the most popular. YOU GIVE THE INTERNET WHAT THE INTERNET WANTS.

      Thanks, Digerati, for making it seem like T-Rex is commenting on my blog.


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