ass loads of ass wipes

I am pretending to be responsible. I don’t know how long it will last, I just know my responsibility meter pegged last week browsing plastic products in Costco when I FOUND A BARGAIN ON FLOORMATS FOR MY CAR. And I was super excited about it. About the floormats. For my car.

Responsibility is continuing in the form of coupon collecting. I never paid much attention to that extra little printer at the self-checkout station at Fred Meyer spewing papers next to where my receipt comes out. My brain labeled it “not the receipt printer” and ignored it until I started noticing little pictures of my favorite products on there. Coupons! It’s a coupon machine that tailors its offerings based on my purchases! It’s like a GOOGLE ADWORDS PRINTER!

Tonight I stopped in at Freddies for milk and cereal and a huge bag of CAMPFIRE MARSHMALLOWS. Then I forced myself to put the marshmallows back. I actually spoke the words “Now stop it. Just STOP it!” aloud as I ditched them along with a bag of pretzel M&Ms on a shelf of canned stewed tomatoes and ran. RESPONSIBLE CHOICES!

Gasp! I know what would be a responsible choice right now! Using a COUPON! Unfortunately the only coupon on my person at that moment (ie swirling around in the Clutter Stew at the bottom of my purse) was a coupon for Cottonelles. Butt wipes. Huh. RESPONSIBLE BUTT WIPES? 75 cents off says HELL YES. I grab me some.

Belatedly, I see the fine print. “On 84 count or more.” Eighty-four butt wipes? That seems like a lot. I put back my 42-count package and reach for the next size up. 224?!? Really, Mr. Meyer? You can’t stock anything between 42 and 224? How much am I actually going to feel that 75-cent savings spread across two-hundred and twenty-four towelettes on my tushie? Is this RESPONSIBILITY actually cleverly disguised FOOLISHNESS? Too late to question it now. 224 flushable wipes are about to become mine.

At the self-checkout, I am excited. I wonder how I will enter my coupon? I scan the fruitcake-sized Cottonelle package and look for perhaps a slot I can feed my coupon through and activate my enormous responsible savings. The screen says to give it to the attendant. There goes my self-checkout privacy. Hiding what looks like the Jolly Green Giant’s lifetime supply of ass wipes at the bottom of my basket means that it is now at the top of my shopping bag, looking smugly obscene as I hand over my asswipe-coupon, all folded over to hide everything but the barcode. EVERYONE LIKES TO FEEL FRESH!!

Dignity is apparently going for $0.75 on self-check station number four at Freddy’s. Get your coupons now.

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