Archive for the 'stuff' Category

i shouldn’t meet people i admire because it doesn’t turn out well

A few weeks ago, I got to see one of my favorite groups live: Electric Six. Afterwards, my friends managed to get Dick Valentine to take a picture with us. I got to be the one with my arm around Dick Valentine! He was really sweaty and I think tired because in the first picture his eyes were wonky and half closed. Our picture-taking friend gave him shit about his wonky eye so the next picture came out with him looking extremely astonished. This was either his attempt to have open eyes or his reaction to me stroking his back while we posed. I was just savoring the moment. And I was too tongue-tied to even offer a simple, “Great show, thanks,” in exchange. Now in Dick Valentine’s world I am forever the ungrateful creepy silent back-rubber.

Tonight I got to see Starfucker, which really is amazing music to experience live. It completely surrounds you and fills up your senses. I think the show was a bit frustrating for the group due to some sound issues, and so when I came face to face with a sweaty, tired, but still smiling Ryan Biornstad over the merch table, again a nice, “Great show, thanks so much,” would have been well placed. Instead I stared. Gripping handfuls of cash. Here’s the conversation that finally got going:

Ryan: (after a pause) “Hi, how are you?”
Me: “Good, thanks!…(pause) You?”
Ryan: “Good.”
Me: (long pause) “Can I have the large of the cat one, please?”

My coworker (who is the super serious Starfucker fan and the one who told me about the show and maybe later regretted telling me about the show) stepped up and offered a gracious thank you while the ungrateful creepy staring money-clutcher paid for her shirt. And stared some more.

Proximity to greatness should inspire us and give us something to aim for. But instead I get paralysis of the brain and revert to my primal cavewoman ancestry.

But at least I have a sweet-ass cat shirt. And I gave Dick Valentine a back rub.

little update, big pie

I am baking pie, doing this awesome craft, and listening to Starfucker, getting excited for their concert at the Neurolux tomorrow night.

I found the pie in my freezer when I got home from work tonight. I think it’s the last whole food left in my kitchen. Once the pie is gone, it’s just raisins and peanut butter until payday. Celery is cheap. I’ll get celery and make ants on a log.

The pie is from when the Spoons were staying at my place last December. I ate their ice cream last night.

And I am using the best picture ever of the Black Keys for my craft. Stay tuned to see how it turns out!

It’s starting to smell really good in here! Thank you, Spoons, for delicious abandoned pie.

2010 in review

WordPress: making undeserved public gloating easier than ever! I got all this information in an email with a big LAZY BUTTON that magically turns it into a post… perfectly designed for bloggers like me who have succumbed to laziness and want to relive the glory days when they actually wrote shit.

But stay tuned… holiday antics have been going down. Oh yes.


The stats helper monkeys at mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

I draw a lot. I did not draw this. This is Hyperbole and a Half. Why is this my featured image, WordPress?

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,500 times in 2010. That’s about 6 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 117 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 236 posts. There were 92 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 8mb. That’s about 2 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was August 3rd with 47 views. The most popular post that day was tear 😥.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were,, WordPress Dashboard,, and

Some visitors came searching, mostly for “claudia bering”, “shit my pants”, funny sexual referances, funny stuff pictures of animals, and kevin spacey.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.


tear 😥 August 2010


people with orange tvs, this one’s for you June 2010
1 comment


about me April 2010


big spoon little spoon July 2010


Not that kind of hump day April 2010

life is like a box of SOMETHING

sad break room realization #163

sad break room realization #163: When you work Saturday instead of Friday.

Weird-Tasting Leftovers Lunch is just an unnecessary reminder of how much more fun and delicious yesterday was than today.

Don’t you want to buy some glasses now?

How much do we love the time-honored tradition of taking ridiculously glamorous people and putting super nerdy glasses on them to advertise vision services?

Guys’ Night

There is one quarter of a pound of 100% prime black angus fighting its way out of my stomach.

Guys’ Night!

Jungle Cat is in B-town, which means a get-together is in order. Guys’ Night! I’m talking Jungle Cat, who is on a professional guy business trip, and Hot Lunch, who recently got delivered two simultaneous issues of Men’s Health… these guys are ALL GUY. So I am full-on prepared to guy it up. I suggest the Ram, where we can drink brewskis and watch sports. Guys’ Night! I instigate “Chicks, man” conversations such as “Chicks, man, they’re so unpredictable with their emotions.” Guys’ Night! And, “Chicks, man, why don’t they treat their cars better… would you leave old Burger King wrappers in your living room?” GUYS’  NIGHT! And, “Chicks, man. They pretend to be happy wives and mothers for 16 years and then suddenly start acting like teenagers and sleeping with random losers and playing the victim when you’re not totally ok with it.”

Guys’? Night?

Man, serious undertones and elephants in the room can really bring down Guys’ Night. Take two guys who were recently screwed over in the exact same way by their now ex-wives and add to it that one of them happens to be the guy who months ago tore my heart out and put it back in and tore it out again and put it back and– To battle the mindgame of talking about broken hearts with mine sitting right there next to me, I did what any guy would do on Guys’ Night. I stepped up my drinking.

Guys’ Night!

Guys’ Night ends at 9pm when Hot Lunch has to go relieve the babysitter and Jungle Cat has an early morning conference to prepare for and I’m tottering back to the car between them, confusing my words and talking loudly about personal things. Our waiter says more than once pointedly, “Have a safe night.” At the time I was confused as to why he was warning us about drunk driving when I was clearly the only one inebriated. Now, looking back on it I feel scandalized that maybe he was referring to the fact that I was the only one inebriated. Just drunk little old me in my silk dress and two guy friends and no panties. (Nothing ruins Guys’ Night like VPL.)

Guys’… Night?

Don’t worry, waiter, I choose my friends carefully. Even the dipshits like Hot Lunch are good guys. We dropped Jungle Cat off at his hotel and me off at my apartment, where I very calmly told Hot Lunch, “Not having you around has left a huge gaping hole in my life… …Welp, good night,” and then refused to let him walk me to my door. He still tried to walk me to my door (some nonsense about it being so DARK out) and so we ended up doing this awkward thing with me doing a fast drunk walk to try to leave him behind and him following along like a really sheepish predator.

Guys’ Night.

Sometimes, you just gotta be a guy and do those guy things, like eating meat and talking about titties and watching ball-related activities in HD and passing out from booze and sobbing at about 10:15pm, then waking up at 2 am too disoriented to know anything except that a large amount of alcohol-and-stress-soaked free-range beef is making up its mind which is the fastest route out of your body. You know, guy stuff.

Two rounds of Alka-Seltzer and a huge deuce is the Guys’ Night cure, according to Men’s Health. Then the hot, angry beer and burger bomb in your stomach might finally ease down enough from code red for you to fall back to sleep for a couple hours before you have to get up and go back to your job.


no thank you.

Facebook is all about the suggestions, recently it seems more than ever. Tag this face! Reconnect with this friend! REMEMBER THIS PHOTO MEMORY! I can’t look at relevant content without surrounding sidebars shouting advice at me. Eat Special K! You haven’t answered this message yet! Peanut Farming… Like?

Tonight my sidebar said “Mike Jones. Add as friend.” No reason why it would be a good idea, just a command. No friends in common, no profile picture. And the generic silhouette head… was the girl one. Mike Jones the girl I don’t know… my new bff? No thanks, Facebook, no thanks.

it’s a WordPress basket, so it’s respectable. and a little pretentious.

Writing has never been so easy. With the click of a few buttons, I have TRIPLED the size of my archive! Look, it looks like I’ve been blogging since FOREVER! No, don’t look. Those early posts are kind of lame. They’re really lame. They’re from my LiveJournal. Back when I was living with my parents. At age 30. Mostly I talked about my cats.

But since Vox is closing down this month, I thought I’d import anything I’ve ever written online in my various blogs so they’d all be in one place. Like cute little eggs in a basket.

There is someone of indeterminate age and gender (could be a boy, could be a woman) wandering around shouting “ETHAN! JEDEDIAH!” like a Deliverance recreation under my balcony for the last quarter of an hour and I’d like it to stop. It’s a little early to break out the ear silicone, but I will bust that shit out banjo-style if I have to.

why does this guy look so ashamed?

like he wasn’t the one who dressed himself this way? is he posing under duress? why is he personifying a cartoon hero in a blond wig without owning it? did he have second thoughts as soon as photographic evidence was introduced into the equation? and how does he have time to be both buff AND nerdy?

the internet, man. makes you wonder.