Posts Tagged 'apartments'

first things first: ambiance

Good news! I am less likely to die in a fiery conflagration in my sleep as of this week. Last time I walked past the vacant partiers/arsonist’s apartment, piles of boxes and a television could be clearly seen inside. They still had all their unpacking yet to do, but they had started on making it homey with the soft neon glow of this little number, already hung and plugged in:

Ah, new neighbor, I like where your priorities are at, even if the results demonstrate poor taste in beer and interior decor simultaneously. Besides, I have heard you are “kinda cute.”

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morning, stinky.

Man, my neighbor is so stinky it’s unbelievable. It is not to be believed. Beautiful cool morning outside and I have my patio door closed because I’m tired of smelling my neighbor’s stinky ass apartment. Take a bath, Smells.

Speaking of neighbors, I’m happy to report that Yells (though AWESOMELY entertaining) moved out and was replaced by Silent Brooding Porch Smoker (less entertaining, but less annoying). Also the Thursday Night Partiers moved out, leaving a vacancy and a possible arsonist? If the next mysterious fire reaches my apartment, I’ll let you know. It would have to make it through Smells’ defenses first, though, and I have a feeling that dense wall of odors could choke out an inferno. It’s like a superpower.

I wonder what names my neighbors have for me? Thunder-from-Above? Naughty Nightie Streaker?

i shove things in my ears for you

there is a man outside my window shouting “ZOE! QUIET! ZOE! NO BARKING! QUIET! ZOE!!” while in the background some faint yipping is somewhat audible.

he is one of several neighbors with voice modulation issues. like Bedroom Yeller on the other side of the wall that my bed is against, regaling me with shouts of “AWESOME! YEAH!” randomly at 2 am. if that is a lovemaking technique, Yells, i am thankfully unfamiliar with it.

but the good news is i discovered new technology in the aisles of Fred Meyer’s pharmacy section this morning. so all you kiddos in D building who can’t find your inside voices, this is for you:

it’s a glob of silicone i mash onto the opening of my ear canal. this is what your noise pollution has led me to. this is worse than Dances with Wolves. no, it’s worse than Avatar. it’s EAR SILICONE.

we’ll see if my $1.69 was well spent. the real test will be the Thursday Night Partiers tomorrow. don’t you people have jobs?