Posts Tagged 'colds'

my anger has a color and it is grapefruit

Digerati and Pants have both told me they want a picture of me buried under 15 pounds of grapefruit. Why? Because despite my eating of MAJOR CITRUS daily, I have again caught a cold. I just had an epic cold last month. I was at death’s door for THREE WHOLE DAYS of sick time. That is long enough for my place of work to forget me. Maybe it’s not long enough at your job. Maybe I am just forgettable. All the more reason why I can NOT afford this cold.

What was it, fate? Was it the dirty means by which I acquired this grapefruit? What, the epic walking and olympic swimming and increasingly early bedtimes not enough for you, immune system? Well fuck you, white cells. I don’t see YOU doing such a great job! I can’t do this health thing all on my own! I’m sleeping at 10 and walking at 8 and hoovering sour citrus and choosing salads over fried breading and popping vitamins and drinking water and crossing my ever-fucking fingers in the hopes I won’t catch EVERY STRAY WIMP-ASS GERM that passes near my nose-holes. And there’s a lot of them, immune system. So I’m sorry. I am sorry I work with germy children. I’m sorry I get spat on and snotted on and sometimes I can actually SMELL the grubby hands that hand me things. And speaking of hands, my nephew stuck his hand in my mouth on Friday. What was I supposed to do about that, immune system? How do you see a crazy move like that coming before it’s too late? You don’t. That’s what immune systems are supposed to be for. Grabby babies with oral fixations.

So I will NOT draw a picture of grapefruit burying me. I will draw a picture of my rage, world. And it goes a little like this:

That’s my IRONTEAM shirt. It is soaked with sweat and tears. And grapefruit-tinged angry spittle.

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this post is so sexy you can hardly stand it

once again, some measly microscopic organisms have taken over my body and re-purposed it exclusively for the production of mucus, a substance without even any market value. see? sexy.

so tonight i took my sad, sorry phlegm-machine and curled it up on my parents’ living room floor and we all watched Chain Reaction, a timeless monument to the nineties’ preoccupation with clean energy, long action sequences that are fairly pointless, and China. at the end, all questions were answered and the heroes were alive. the contrast was not lost on any of us Losties in the room. ah Keanu, your movies are a welcome time machine to a simpler era.

afterward, we watched an old episode of Star Trek, my favorite show of all time. i appreciate Star Trek for taking the time it could have spent on character development and instead spending it showing jiggly things in outer space. tonight was the one where the Enterprise helps give birth to a giant ravioli. when we tried telling this to my sister as she walked through the room on the phone with her fiancé, she accused us all of being on pot and went to brush her teeth.


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