Posts Tagged 'kids'

you can’t say that in a TCBY

Last instructions before going out for ice cream.

Hot Lunch: Now what did I just say?
Joaquin: Not to say butthole in the restaurant.

gotta pee

Working the public desk. Putting the final touches on a girl’s request form while she waits. You become aware of another child hovering nearby awaiting his turn to ask a question.

What’s remarkable about this situation is THE CHILD IS VIBRATING INTENSELY. Something between a convulsion and maybe some kind of high-speed version of the Humpty Hump is going on in this child’s body. You look up to make eye contact or at least rule out seizure and are greeted by this face:

You: “Do you have a question?”
Child: “W-w-where’s your b-bathroom?”

This is when you leap up so fast you almost knock over your chair and you run him to the bathroom. It’s been 92 days since you had to get out the SuperSorb and you’ll make it to 93 even if it’s over the mown-down bodies of innocent bystanders.

Kids. Using their powers of courtesy for evil.

i am head of my class at bad guy school

at my apartment’s arctic-temperatures pool, Joaquin and Diego spend most of their time in the hot tub surrounded by a lot of residents’ kids who are older, bigger and a lot more loud-mouthed. like wide-eyed blond cherubs, Joaquin and Diego often look a little nervous.

today, the subject of careers went around. every kid expounded on what they’re going to do when they grow up.

“what about you?” one kid suddenly asked the boys.

“uh… i don’t know,” said Joaquin.

“kill good guys,” said Diego.

maybe for the first time ever, there was silence in the hot tub.

i know a lot about badassery. and orca.

one of many conversations between Hot Lunch’s two angelic-looking boys, Joaquin (7) and Diego (4), in the backseat while driving around town:

J: I know a lot about math. Diego, what do you know a lot about?
D: Killer whales eating people.

Skeeze revisited

Back at the doc-in-the-box for my follow-up workman’s comp visit. This time, the waiting area is packed, with a new Phlegmy Bohemian Youth, this one accompanied by Distant Parent, or Sudoku-Obsessed Man. Also making an appearance are Soulless Marketing Career Man with More Money to be Made Elsewhere, Depressed Young Mother with Infant, Woman Whose Incessant Coughing Sounds Like Sobs, and Chinless Obese Woman Snoring with Open-Mouthed Abandon on the couch.

Play-by-play: The TV is blaring a cartoon that not only no one appears to be watching, but whose demographic is completely unrepresented in the room. Retrieving my dropped water bottle gives me the undesirable opportunity to inspect the carpet stains. Depressed Young Mother with Infant and Phlegmy Bohemian Youth are each admitted and quickly replaced with a new Depressed Mother with Infant and yet another PBY with guardian.

Oh yeah. Waiting time this visit? Two hours. Two hours of mobile solitaire and inhaling airborne pathogens ferocious enough to make it all the way here from Indonesia. I’ll keep you updated on how my avian flu progresses.

I’m famous

I’m doing my monthly Tuesday stint at the Youth Services desk at the Outer Rim (our library branch in the boonies) when a pre-teen walks up to the desk and stands there, just looking at me.

“Hi,” he says finally.

“Hi,” say I.

“Who are you?” he asks.

“I’m Erin,” I answer.

I’m just getting ready to launch into my “you’ve never seen me before because I only come out here once a month for four and a half hours, but no I’m not an idiot four-and-a-half-hour-a-week charity employee, I work full time at the main branch” speech, but at the mere mention of my name, the boy’s face lights up, he does a little excited jig like the one I did the time I spotted Bob Saget at LAX (not particularly a fan, he’s just the only star I’ve ever seen) and then he runs off to tell his friends.

Next month I’m going prepared with autographed photos.

Is it the cherry tree or the wooden teeth?

A little girl gazing at a poster of the 43 American Presidents fondly strokes one portrait and says, “I love you, George Washington.”

I think I just met our first woman president to be.