Posts Tagged 'tiger'

this is the saddest post i will ever make

just to let you guys know, tiger and i are over.  it was a beautiful three months.  we are a perfect couple in every way except one: incompatible religions.  so basically we're a match made in heaven, just different versions of it.

bring on the awkward get-togethers, the sexual tension among friends, the parties and game sessions where two people still in love look across the room at each other in impossibility.  and you all get to be a part of it!  not to mention going through it all again when one of us starts dating someone else, like busting a scab open all. over. again.  i know.  love is beautiful that way.

so i go out of 2006 the way i went in: available and on the market.  cmon, come to my house guys, come on and come to my house, dudes dudes!  ah i'm freakin hilarious.

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buttons, tchotchkes and cheetos for the christchild

impromptu nativity plays. something i had no idea was in my future, but apparently a christmas tradition in tiger's family.  it's my first christmas and, before i know it, i'm standing by the tree with a big stick and a bathrobe, the universal costume for "shepherd."  my sheep is a four-year-old wrapped in faux fur and meowing around my feet.  the angel (who has been getting ready for the last hour and i only just now realize why) climbs on the back of the couch on cue during her grandfather's reading from matthew.  she spreads her tablecloth wings and declares, "our lord has come!  glory, HAVE A LUAU!"

my favorite were the three hunky wise men (featuring of course tiger and two of his brothers) dressed in a strange combination of too-small highschool graduation robes and caps, scarves and sequins.  left to their own devices, they hastily scrounge for props.  tiger grabs an egg-shaped knicknack off a shelf and dubs it myrrh.  his closest brother snags their mother's mini sewing kit and declares, "frankinsence, for all your sewing needs!"  finally, the eldest of the three casts about helplessly for a while muttering, "gold… gold… gold…"  after a moment of stealthy activity at the buffet table, he spins around triumphantly raising high a small plate of everyone's favorite cheese-flavored puffed snacks.

the baby gurgles in her laundry basket of straw.  the sheep gets bored and walks away.  the wise men clown around, waiting for their entrance, tiger waving to me, a baby carrot jammed up one nostril.

so this is christmas.

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so a hobbit, a boyfriend and a boy wizard walk into a blog

i'm not the only one to have pointed this out.  i'm just the only one to have photoshopped it.

it's the best i can do until i can get him to put on the curly wig or the specs and go to a premiere like that.

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forget the world

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

love across boundaries: the self-indulging delusion that must finally be followed by an end to dreaming and the start of action.  it's a balance i am living every day.

snow patrol, i never knew you existed before.  but now, how i love you.  if only i had the moneys to buy your album.

Eyes Open
Snow Patrol

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an african lion would just pee on him

okay, this calls for a mushy announcement.  my dear dyer lunatic has been boldly announcing our new relationship on his blog with the courage of a well-rounded, feeling 21st century man.  time for ME to cowboy up and bare my sappy soul to the blogosphere.

i, Ernie Whatsherface, am in love.  for the first time in my life.  at 31, i know.  who knew this would be the next chapter in my transformation?  tiger and i thought we'd just go out a few times to introduce me to the world of dating.  he made me dance at a wedding and plenty of other firsts i listed in my makeover post.  then he went away to school.  i started striking out on my own, dating some really strange men.  okay, one really strange man.  once.  (that's a good story for another day.)

tiger and i kept in touch, sometimes happily, more often arguing, misunderstanding or hurting each other.  that should have been our first clue.  then he came home for a visit and suddenly things were different.  terrifyingly different until we talked it through and realized that we both felt different in the same way.  we were falling in love.

for any other social tards out there, i must record for posterity that love feels kinda funny.  sometimes like indigestion, sometimes like an arrhythmia i should really have looked at.  there have been fevers, mood swings and fainting spells.  there have been rashes.  not those kinds of rashes.  i just get hives when i'm nervous.

while I am a socially-stunted 31, tiger is a courageous 19 with a trail of exes.  i had no idea, but informing them all has been quite the drama.  the toughest one yet was just tonight, sparking this post which promised you the reader mushiness.  i lied.  it is in reality ME STAKING MY CLAIM.  Like so:

BACK OFF, LADIES.
dude's mine.  get over it.  and get your own.

there, i think that should do it.  now i just have to gang tag his myspace, facebook and deviant art accounts.  i'm thankful this isn't the african savannah, or i'd be seriously out of pee by now.

excitingly, i am taking my first trip to tiger's school this weekend so i can see his dorm, his classes, his friends, his cafeteria, etc.  i don't know that i've ever been so excited to visit anyone.  or heard of so many people offering anyone so many condoms.  nice, people.  way to sleaze it up.  but thanks for the thought.

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my man gave me these

what?  the GOGGLES!  what did you THINK i was going to post a picture of??

so my dyer lunatic shows up back in town.  at shari's.  wearing goggles.  of course i had to make fun of the goggles, even though we both knew we were both thinking of the Excellent Game Psychonauts.*

*long live Raz and all hail our master Tim Schafer.

see?  we're practically twins.

raz

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